Leaves falling down on me.

At the end of the day... after I crawl into bed... when my mind should be resting... is when it starts spinning. Things that I didn't think about during the day...come drifting into my mind...like leaves gently falling down on me. Last night it was the thought of leaving Jack and Stella Saturday night with our dear friends.... It's our anniversary...I haven't spent more than 3 hours away from them in 2 1/2 years...it's time...but I'm scared. Will they fall down the stairs...think we aren't coming back...get scared in the middle of the night...miss me and cry inconsolably for 2 days? I cried last night thinking about it...John said it would be alright...we are staying in town...we can pick them up anytime we want....that is comforting. I want to have fun with John...alone...will I be able to stop thinking about the kids....and relax?...I hope so.

Self Portrait Tuesday: Exploring Identity

READER

I love reading. In elementary school I was the "Royal Reader". I would read book after book and write little reports on them and get Royal Reader certificates. My favorite books my mom still has are the Ramona Quimby books and a book called "Lizza Lou". Later on I really got into Stephen King. Now I'm into anything that can grab me in the first 2 pages, and that I can read fast. If I don't like it within the first chapter I'll stop reading it. Last night at the library I picked up "The Tattoo Artist" by Jill Cimnet and "Fallen" by David Maine. I keep a little journal, whenever someone recommends a book, I write it down. When I finish a book I write a few thoughts on it. I also love reading magazines. Oprah, Organic Style, National Geographic, Martha. If a book is really good I will get a little choked up when I read the last sentence, even if it's a happy book.

Other Self Portrait blogger HERE

Happy Monday

So far this is an excellent day. The kids have been playing together nicely. They are happy. Today I love being a mom. Lately though it has seemed really hard to be a mom. I feel like I've compromised with the T.V. watching a lot. And the sugar consumption has gotten a little out of control too. Consequently I've seen Jack turning into a winy and crying little mess. It was starting to become a vicious cycle. Jack is out of control, so in desperation I give him a snack and sit him in front of cartoons. The result: I don't snap, Stella gets the attention she has been screaming for, and Jack is happy. The problem is I never wanted to raise my kids watching tv everyday, and a little sugar is fine, but it's become my crutch. Well no more. This week it's all changing. No TV except for one showing of Monster's Inc. While Stella naps. We are going to play and read and listen to music and bake things. Less sugar too. I know I can be a better mom. Also, I'm going to give myself a little grace, I'm not perfect, If I need the TV on for a bit to regain my sanity, that's ok.

Today we took a trip downtown on using our lightrail system. To some that may not sound like a big deal but since I haven't been on the lightrail since I was a kid it was quite an adventure for me. Jack loves trains so he was excited too. Everyone had a blast.
It was such a beautiful day out. Cool and crisp. There were lots of people out shopping and skating on the ice rink at the mall. We are looking forward to doing a little Christmas shopping tonight while the kids are being watched by some friends.

Thanksgiving

We had a great Thanksgiving. We had all of our family over and we stuffed ourselves. Everyone brought a little something and all the food was great.

Grandpa put his glasses on Stella. She looks like a mini grandpa.

Let the fun begin

John: Working
Jack : Watching "Monsters Inc"
Stella: Napping
Me: Having fun making and huge mess in the kitchen.
(this photo is pre-mess)

Self Portrait Tuesday: Self Exploration #4

Prayer

Lately I feel like I've been going through a spiritual identity crisis. I'm searching to feel whole and peaceful in my walk with God. I haven't felt it in awhile. I'm sure it has to do with me and my lack of prayer. Prayer really helps me feel stronger spiritually. Prayer for me means just trying to connect with God during a quiet time. Sometimes it means saying nothing at all, but just clearing my mind and just sitting quietly with a power bigger than myself.

other self portrait tuesday bloggers here

Nothing's Impossible

"For nothing is impossible with God" I read Luke 1 this morning and this is the scripture that stood out. I tell myself lots of things are impossible. I don't always say it in those words but I say it. "We are going to be late again","no one really likes me", "I can't make that", "Jack will never be potty trained", "I'll be this way forever", I could go on and on. Little negative things come out of my mouth all day long. Here is a list of things that ARE possible.

1. Jack will be potty trained one day.
2. My inner happiness will not be determined by the size of my jeans.
3. I can be a more spiritual person.
4. I will accept that people do like me.
5. We will have our own house someday.
6. I will learn to be more patient with the kids.
7. We will travel someday.
8. I will learn to not be so concerned with what others think of me.
9. I will learn to love exercise.
10. My kids will always be very close to John and I.

Happy Birthday Mason

Our good friends Jeff and Gretchen celebrated their son Mason's 1st birthday on Saturday. My favorite part of 1st birthday's is watching the baby rip into the cake. Sometimes they hesitate and just stick their hand in it slowly enjoying the texture of the frosting. You never really know what they are going to do. When my son Jack had his cake he looked at it for awhile then started licking his frosting covered fingers slowly, he savored it. Mason was a crazy cake eating maniac. He picked the whole thing up with his little hands and started chomping on it like it was a steak. He snorted and smacked his lips, sucking that thing down like it was a bottle of warm milk. Happy Birthday Mason, may you dive into life and enjoy it as much as you did that birthday cake.

Stella and Mr. Lamb

We got this cute lamb rocking chair a couple nights ago from a woman giving it away on freecycyle. It makes the funniest little lamb noise when you push the paw. Stella was checking it out last night. She would get on it for a minute and look it over then jump off, and then get back on, she did this over and over again. Have a super weekend everyone.

random street art : alhambra st.

Respect Yoself

Who do I respect?
- John for working so hard to support us.
- My mom for pushing through and sticking with school.
- Heidi for leaving New Orleans and starting over even though it was really hard.
- Lorissa for being honest about her emotions.
- Gretchen for her childlike honesty and faith (that's a good thing)
What am I grateful for today?
- The baby gate that keeps my kids out of the kitchen.
- XM radio that is new on our cable network.
- Frozen chocolate chips.
- Thanksgiving coming on Thursday.
- Oprah's magazine.

- John helping me clean up Stella's throw up at 2am last night.

- Having Heidi live so closely, I love knowing I can see her anytime.

- Johnny Depp because he is so darn cute.

- The weekend, being about to spend time with John.

My kids are funny and sweet and I love them, but I'm am in need of a sanity break. I need a stand in mom to pop on over for a day or so and take care of these two clowns. Yesterday we went out to eat with my friend Gretchen and her 2 kids. Now I always think twice before going out to eat with kids, but it was the food co-op so I figured it would be relaxed and a little noisier than your usual restaurant, and it was. So how come midway through our meal, as Jack is getting louder and louder and Stella is squirming did I freak out and, mid bite grab our food, and throw the kids in the stroller and bolt from the restaurant in an sweaty anxiety ridden state? Because I CANNOT HANDLE EATING OUT WITH KIDS. There I said it, I HATE EATING OUT WITH KIDS. As I hightailed it back to our car leaving Gretchen wondering what my problem was, I could feel myself relaxing. I called John when I got home, crying to him that I am the lamest mom ever, can't even handle eating a simple meal out with the kids. He reassured me that I am not lame, this is just one area that I am not good at right now. We all have some area where we just aren't great. He was right, I will not, do not want, can not, eat out with kids right now. If I do you just might find me the local psych hospital rocking back and forth in a corner sucking my thumb. The time will come when it will be fun and easy, that is just not right now.

random street art: J street

Not sure if this really should be classified as street art, but I thought it was funny, and we came across it on the 2nd Saturday Art Walk downtown, so it's close enough.

Self Portrait Tuesday: Self Exploration #3

Mother

One of my fears in being a mother is that I completely lose myself. What I mean is that when our kids leave and start their own lives that I will feel lost, not know who I am, that I will feel useless because I won't be as needed in a mother role anymore. I'm still working it out, I feel like as a mom I do need to fade into the background a bit and give all my energy to my kids, but at the same time is it good for them to see a mom who isn't pursuing things she loves outside of her mother role? I do think part of it is that I'm concerned with how people view me. I wonder if people think I'm a bad mother because I love to read, or because I love to write blogs like this one, or watch movies? I want to be able to feel confident that I am being the best mother I can be AND still grow as an individual and feel no guilt about it. In the end I just want to be happy, enjoy my life, and teach my kids to do the same.

Our Weekend

We had a good weekend. Saturday was beautiful and we played outside some. Then Saturday night John and I went out.
We walked around downtown. It was Second Saturday Art walk so the stores were full of people looking at local artists and the streets were bustling with people and street performers.
We walked down to one of my favorite coffee shops Infusions and outside there were some belly dancers. These were not your typical belly dancers though with the veils and jingly anklets.
These were fire throwing bellydancers. It was incredible to watch. The Chemical Brothers were blasting and they were swinging fire balls and flames were balanced on their heads and swung around their bodies. It was all very exciting. With all the theatrics though the dancers managed to keep it all very fluid and sensual.

And then on Sunday at church my friend Lorissa surprised me with this adorable little gift. Her and her hubby Ron went up to apple hill and found this. We think it's the cutest thing EVER!!

random street art

Heidi and I have decided to post any cool street art we find. I found these on Wednesday when we were hanging out downtown.

Yesterday

Yesterday Heidi, mom, and I went to Mckinely park to feed the ducks and play.

Jack clutching the ducks bread, I think he ate more of it than the ducks did.
Jack LOVES his grandma.
Super Grandma!!
Ride that lion Heidi!!

Monster's inc

Jack is obsessed with watching Monsters INC. We have watched it everyday for the last 7 days. It is the first thing he says when he gets up. We usually watch it right after breakfast because I cannot handle his whining about it. Immediately after the movie is over he starts asking to watch it again. I am sooooo sick of hearing about monsters Inc, watching monsters Inc, owning monsters Inc. I'm tempted to "accidentally" break it in half. It's not so much the movie, but the constant requests to watch it that is driving me up a wall. This morning, I decided I would count how many times he said the words "Monster's Inc" in an hour period. 57 times. Yes that's right 57, And believe it or not I stopped counting before the hour was up. I'm going to beg my mom to bring "Finding Nemo" over, just to mix things up a little. God bless that little fish, may she bring her little fishy world to our television and break us out of Monsteropolis quickly

Jack and Stella

"mama"* giggles "*"book"* soft* lavender* pretty eyes* big smile *"lamby" *walking* snuggle * 9 teeth* nurses *feisty *spoons* toilet water* brave* playing chase *beautiful
loud* "monsters inc." *throws things* laughs* "big truck"* tantrums* "no"* ipop* forts *monkeys *"clopit milk" *bites finger nails *whining* persistent* loving *funny *beautiful

Self Portrait Tuesday: Self Exploration #2

Fact #1 I was created to be a guitar player.

Fact #2 I can not play the guitar.

Fact #3 My dad gave me this guitar.

Fact #4 I will learn how to play the guitar.

Fact #5 I can't sing so I will need accompaniment..or I'll just play solo..I'm ok with that.

Hugs

Hugs from us to you. Have a great weekend everyone.

Today

Today I'm grateful for my husband, who listens to me pour my
heart and mind out to him, and still loves me and thanks me for sharing it with him.

Today I'm grateful for two beautiful, happy, healthy children. For the gift of their love, and for every moment that I have with them.

Today I'm grateful for my own health. For my strong willed mind, my healthy heart, and my creative mind.

Today I'm grateful for living now in this time and space, for my mother and my grandmother and her grandmother who cried and laughed and loved first.

Today I'm grateful for God. For his love and patience with me. For being able to talk to him and love him and get strength from him.

Today I'm grateful for people who help those who are hurting, for people who lay their lives down to help the flooded, the raped, the motherless, the lost, the addicted.

Today I'm grateful to be able to love and laugh and cry and get angry. For not being so numbed out by our culture of fear that I cannot fully enjoy every day if I choose to.

Look ma I'm walking....sort of

My little Stella is taking her first steps. She can take about 5 without falling down. We cheer her on and she gets so excited. Jack even comes up to her and grabs her hand sometimes to help her walk. She is still my little baby I can't believe it's already time for her to walk.

Art

I was inspired to share this collage I made a few months ago after reading Whish Jar Journal's "circle" post. I actually made a blue one and a green one too. I was so proud of them, I thought they were cute and had turned out exactly like I wanted them to. Well, not really knowing anything about art material, and wanting to put a nice smooth shiny sealant over the top of them, I bought some spray clear gloss latex finish. This promptly wrinkled all the paper circles on the green panel. So then I bought some clean paint glossy stuff that looked like it might work, well the exact same thing happened to the blue one. So now here is the red one, just as I originally made it in all it's bare glory.
Here is some paper plate art we made the other day during craft time. Impressive huh?
And finally here is a little piece we call "Is that a banana in your suv or are you just happy to see me?". Jack stuffed his morning banana in his little car and shut the doors. This morning he stuffed his scrambled egg in.

Self Portrait Tuesday: Self Exploration

Thinking, Wondering, Worrying

I'm not sure if this self portrait really fits into the theme this month, but I'm sure I'll figure it out by the end of the month. A huge part of my identity is portrayed in this picture. I think, worry, wonder, and dream constantly. My mind is seldom quiet. My escape is when I pray or read books but even then my mind will take over and I can say the same sentence or read the same line over and over again while my mind wanders.

Check out other Self Portrait Tuesday participants here.