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Monday, February 06, 2006

Self Portrait Tuesday: "All of Me" #1

Ok, here's some ugly. I wasn't real thrilled with this months theme of "All of Me". I don't want to show you my cellulite, or strech marks, or any other nasty little thing I have on my body.
DSC04819
I am not a peace with my body and have not been for quite awhile. I'm on better terms with it now than I think I've ever been, so that much I'm very happy about. John took this picture of me in 2002, I am 5'8" and weighed 112. I dropped down to 104 shortly later. I began waging war against my body in high school. Depression sent me to the grocery store to buy my first box of diet pills. So on and off for the next 10 or so years I experimented lightly with various ways to lose weight even though I had not been overweight in my life. It wasn't until the 2nd year of my marriage, while working at a really stressful job, around a group of girls that were constantly complaining about their weight, did a switch get flicked in my brain that sent me on a weight loss frenzy. I seriously would look at myself in the mirror weighing 104 and think I was gigantic. I would feel devestatingly guilty if I ate "too much" which could mean I had had 15 raisins at lunch instead of 10. I was gripped by it and I was terrified that I would let myself die. Anyway, long hard story short I got help. I'm nice and plump now and happy, but I must say that path still always seems so close to me now. Sometimes I feel like if I take a couple steps onto it I'll be sucked right back in. There is a pull. So now that I've shattered the image of Sweetpea perfection (ha) I've created here for you on my blog, I hope I'm a little more real to you, I really have nothing to hide from anybody this is part of me, but not all of me.

Other brave self portrait bloggers Here

15 Comments:

Blogger gkgirl said...

i was stunned by the photo
to be honest.
isn't it funny how that
weight thing
literally creeps into our psyche
and turns rational into irrational?
congratulations to you for seeing it
for what it is and for recognizing
that those "feelings" are always
going to be there, but you can deal with them...you don't have to listen to them...
media definately does not help.

you are a beautiful woman.
unbeleivable mom. part of a
fantastic marriage. smart.
funny. interesting. and these
are things that i have only gathered
from the words i read.
i'm sure there is so much more.
:) :) :) :) :)

4:13 AM  
Anonymous irene said...

I feel like you've always been real in your writing Heather. but this is certainly a part of you that I did not suspect. I'm glad you shared. and just so you know, I think you are a very very beautiful woman.

6:37 AM  
Blogger acumamakiki said...

Wow Heather. You are amazing and honest and beautiful and you always share the essence of yourself with us. Thank you for sharing this and it's an amazing line we all walk don't you think? It's very frail and I walk my own one daily.
You really moved me today.

7:19 AM  
Blogger PJ said...

Thank you for sharing such a personal post! Like the comment from 'gkgirl'...'into our psyche and turns rational into irrational' I'm at that point right now in the opposite realm!
I think it's sad for me to say, but I think true...we, as beautiful women, all have these 'ghosts' we fight daily!

8:09 AM  
Blogger Riss said...

I remember that time...it was very scary to see you go through that. I only hope to erase my own bad self images before I pass them on to my kid(s). You are so brave to put yourself out there.

8:25 AM  
Blogger Server Girl said...

I am so glad that u were able to move past this....we all keep an eye on ya now!!! You always have us to give you a reality check. love ya!

8:43 AM  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

i applaud your courage to tell your story. i've been there too friend. it's a tough, tough battle. here's to taking the risk to accept yourself just as you are. you're on the right path. keep showering yourself with love and acceptance. you are beautiful and real and inspiring. i celebrate you!

9:30 AM  
Blogger la vie en rose said...

oh, and i forgot to mention that i have that shirt too...heehee...

9:31 AM  
Blogger madness rivera said...

This was very touching, Heather. And how brave to reveal it. It's such dangerous territory that women & girls especially get sucked into, easier than we can imagine.

I was apprehensive about this SPF theme at first, but by putting our flaws out there, they lose power, and then Eff It, we're just as good as anyone else. We all have sh*t to deal with, we all have flaws. Some haven't dealt with this kind of issue as well as you, and by you putting it out there, I think you're helping way more than you know.

10:34 AM  
Blogger Glamorous Jo said...

I love this. So real and so raw - and yet you remain so glamorous and bright. Thanks for being you!

12:55 PM  
Blogger Suz said...

One of the reasons I love reading your blog is because you seem like you are always being real with us.

Thankyou for putting yourself out there even further and sharing this post with us. I have been there myself but in a different way.

Iam so glad that today you are on better terms with yourself and your body.

Hugs Suz

4:16 PM  
Blogger telfair said...

Wow -- this blew me away.

I think you are SO brave and SO amazing for sharing this.

I am so glad and relieved that you are happy and healthy now -- you *are* so beautiful, just as you are this very minute!

10:31 PM  
Blogger Sonia said...

You are so beautiful and so amazing!

1:26 PM  
Anonymous jenny vorwaller said...

***hug***

you are very brave indeed :)))

just one more ***hug***

2:51 PM  
Anonymous Shannon (sentimental) said...

Wow girl! That was an amazing thing to share and I can hope by the end of this journey I can face the hard aspects of revealing all of me in even the grace and strength you did. You are a beautiful person, I hope you know that.

8:39 PM  

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